A New Decade.

2020
I am back again. This time I intend to stay intentionally. A lot has happened since the last time I wrote here. Life has shown me PEPPER, I will write about it here one of these days. A good thing happened though I became a mother💃🏾 to an amazing baby girl. Motherhood has been a rollercoaster I won't lie but I would gladly do it again and again.
I have so many things to write here.
Dear Diary you are about to be my therapist. 

WORDS

We've all heard a million times how powerful words are, they can make or break a person. I've been trying to process certain things that was said to me days ago.  These words took me back to a place I thought I had moved on from, It pierced deep down my heart. These words came with a cloud of darkness.
I am beautifully damaged. I thought I had finally found my safe haven until days ago when reality hit me really hard, I felt as if I was thrown back into the cold.
I am scared, hurt, broken, confused and sad. Please Lord fix this cause I can't.
It will take more than words to fix me this time. 

Fresh Start

The past eight months has been one hell of a roller coaster ride.
 I still can't believe everything that has happened and is still happening, Sometimes I feel like I'm in a trance. They're days that I'm extremely happy about everything, and they are days that I am worried, scared and afraid. Last month I made a decision to be a lot calmer, and take everything one step at a time. Learning to overlook a lot of things and be patient instead....Time goes by so fast with no replays or rewinds. Personal peace, Patience is the new bedrock.
Happy New Month in advance Guys..Can we be friends again? 

DEAR FUTURE HUSBAND...

I need you to get me. I need you to know that I have a million insecurities, I need you to be patient with me. I do not need the "typical" kind of loving. I need a special kind of love, one that won't be quick to judge but patient enough to listen and guide in the right path.
   There is a 100 percent chance that I will have a nervous breakdown while walking on that aisle to you, I need you to gaze directly into my eyes telling me, I'm the best thing that has ever happened to you, and letting me know that we will work together believing God. I'm properly going to walk in to your life damaged with all of my rags.  I hope you understand that, being scared of going into this union with you is not because I don't love you. I love you my king, you are the best thing ever. I will gladly give you everything and be the best for you. My fear comes from my broken pieces, my insecurities, my childhood experiences but with you by my side I know that I will be okay.
I've said yes because I feel your beautiful kind of Love. 

2016

1. Don't trust anyone--Jeremiah 17:5

2. You (me,she,her, Edwina) come first, I have given friends everything in the past, it's time to put me first. #SelfLoveReloaded

3. Learn how to say no, If you don't have a strong conviction about something, don't compromise by saying yes just to be called a good person or make the other person feel good, except it is a life or death situation. At the end of the day you can't please everyone. #PeopleWillAlwaysFindSomethingToSayAboutYou

4. Never forget that things in life are not always what they seem to be. People are not always how they seem to be. Tread carefully and above all ask God for wisdom everyday---Proverbs 8:11-12, James 1:5 #GodAboveAll

5. Make money, travel-see the world, live-laugh-love. Find happiness in the little things, make yourself happy best way you can. #TheTruthIsYouOnlyLiveOnceMakeItCount

6. God uses the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; and He chooses things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful. 1 Corinthians 1:27. Don't ever make anyone think that you are not good enough or that you will never amount to anything in life. God has you always, don't stop believing. #GodIsTheGreatest

7. Learn from your past mistakes, try not to make the same mistakes. Cut off from destiny killers ; Oh yes! that's a real thing. keep the people with bad energy in the past where they belong. #YouWereNotBornToBeEveryonesFriendOrEvenTalkToEveryone

Have a wonderful year Edwina, walk away from negativity - No, run away from negativity. Keep loved ones close, be good to the few real / genuine people you have around you, and keep them close. Love will find you this year, this is the year of the lover. Speak positive things, prophesy good things and blessings into your life. Declare God's words daily. Declare that you are a child of God, and His plans for you are of good, Speak faith filled words. God never fails, He is not in the business of letting people down and this is your year.
WALK IN HIS BLESSINGS. 

2016 GOALS

God...few words...peace...wisdom..family...self improvement...less drama...choosing my circle more wisely...learning...living and loving.

2016

NOVEMBER

I thought about writing something motivational/inspiring but I'm not just in that space. So I'm gonna share a song that really says how I feel....

This is me right now.
60 days to go and we will say goodbye to 2015. Happy new month lovelies. 

HEALED

I got an unexpected call today, after a while my friends sent messages to me that had to do with the call. I didn't know how to process the shocking information that I got, so many thoughts ran through my head, one was "The heart of man is desperately wicked"  the second thing was "we reap what we sow". The good thing is that I felt so good, I did nothing wrong and the news didn't break me they way it would have. I had made peace with it already and today confirmed it for me :). I'm done hurting finally!! Truth is I am better off without the B.S.
   Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Keyword: #TIME

YOU

I don't believe in perfection without negative and positive being experienced, negatives will drill you and break you, and the positives will make you and break you still. These two break you into consciousness of the life before you, and you will choose and your choice is what makes your life special.
         Unwana Umana.
I totally agree with this, at the end of the day we have to choose. 

OCTOBER IS HERE....

Time flies, so you have to decide what you want. And if what you want doesn't want you back, then you have to move. The pain will be what it will be but move. It's better than being stuck in a situationship (a situationship is basically a pseudo). If it's clear that you are not wanted or you are simply on the waitlist to see if a space "might" open up, just get up and move. You are awesome, what you have to offer one else has it.

Above all listen to your gut and for us women, our intuition's always on point most of the time. We can't force things to happen the way we want it to and that's okay. At the same time we can't wait forever holding hope, when we can explore other avenues. Happy new month, I wish everyone lots of love, peace and unending happiness. "Here's to October" make the best of it stand up and make changes. "Nothing happens until you move" Robin Sharma. You could try to control or manipulate the situation, it will still be the same way till something changes. 

30TH

Jojo I made it!! (Jojo is my sister) yes I finished the 100km walk/run challenge that I joined, it was really hard this last week because I haven't been feeling too good health wise all the same I pushed myself and completed it. I have lost a little weight in the process which is AWESOME.
       Completing this month's challenge really made me believe in myself, I must confess I had lost a little self confidence.  God bless the amazing women who came up with this challenge, Lord knows I needed this. I'm not going to stop walking/running just because the challenge is ending today. I have come to love it.
       

WEB OF LIES

For the past two days I have been thinking about why grownups lie. I said grown because I understand when a child lies, he or she is afraid of being punished, but when a grown ass human lie all the time, make up stories, it baffles me. I know people like this are called pathological liars and I think it's a mental disorder but common!!! when is it too much? I have been a victim, victim in the sense that I have had to question everything I ever heard this person say, I am extremely shocked.
    I'm not saying that I don't lie, I do but it's either I'm joking or the person isn't worth the truth. My father used to say that once you lie, you need to tell another lie to cover the first lie and you need another lie to cover the second one. It's an endless web.
 
      "O what a tangle web we weave when we first practice to deceive"
       Walter Scott

If I am straight with someone I expect the same thing, now trust is gone and the friendship is over for me.
I can't stand being lied to over and over and over and over. It's exhausting.
I just can't again.

AMOUR

I love love. I'm a lover of beautiful things especially words, I loooooove words. So when I saw this on instagram I just had to share it here.

This is so beautiful, greatness shouldn't be rushed.

SEPTEMBER

I Joined a group of amazing women to do a September fitness challenge, It's running/walking. The plan is to track how many kilometres you walk/run daily and report to the group weekly, with pictorial evidence. The goal is to get 100km covered before the last day of the month and it comes with a medal also.
       I decided to join this challenge for personal reasons not because of the medal upon completion. I had to get my mind in a right place, it had gotten so messed up last month because of the regret, rejection, anger, shame and guilt I felt. One would think that in my late twenties I would be smarter but life didn't come with an instruction manual, and mistakes will always be a major part of living and growth. Starting this challenge was hard, before now I disliked running/walking, but I knew this was something that I had to do, so I managed to walk for 5km on the first day, and it was refreshing not only did I feel good, I felt the burden lifting.

       After the first day it only got better, let's just say that I am super proud of myself for joining this challenge, it has been therapeutic and I am walking/running for distance I never thought I could. The high I get every time I get back is amazing, it's way better than the feeling of any alcoholic drink (I know this because I drank a whole lot last month to feel better). Running just does something extraordinary to my heart and in a good way, this is something I would love to get addicted too. Another exciting thing happened I found a taekwondo studio on my street, before I found out that running/walking felt this good, martial arts was one of the loves of my life, I used to fight TKD way back and I can't wait to join and start again. It's going to be a good month.
          Edwina fixer votre couronne, vous êtes génial. 

BURNT BRIDGES

 I got introduced to someone recently who needs my help to get stuff. In the midst of our ongoing communication I decided to look at her profile picture to put a face to the name, boom!! she turned out to be someone that I know.
          We go through life burning bridges, treating people badly, ignoring people, cutting people off because in our minds "they have nothing to offer", having zero tolerance for people instead of being patient and communicating properly.
I never thought in a million years that our paths would cross, this person is a public figure, someone who I used to admire a lot till I meet her, and she was extremely rude and mean to me. The memory of the things she said to me got stuck in my head and I lost all admiration for her that day. Fast-forward to 2015, I'm pretty sure that she has no idea who I am, to her I'm a stranger.
     
We need to use our God-given talents, wealth and position carefully especially when dealing with people we see as "strangers" we might never know who we will meet and need help from in this game called life. I am going to help her do everything, that she needs me to help her with, not because I can't say no but because I'm trying to be a better person, more forgiving, and also a better communicator. Some times people do things unintentionally not meaning to cause hurt and pain, and end up causing it. I have also learned that treating people kindly, with respect and diplomacy is way better than making them feel worthless and irrelevant.
                     "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." -Maya Angelou
      So when we make people feel worthless and irrelevant it gets stuck.
       So help me God.

FOREVER IN MY HEART

I had an amazing piece to write, I wanted the first thing I posted this month to be wow!! but... instead I'm going to post a song called Jealous by Labrinth. I lost my father six years ago this month, 5th to be precise I thought I would have gotten over it by now. I wish I had a few months with him to get myself ready, I wasn't ready to let him to go. So this song is for you Daddy, I am jealous that you are happy without me, all I do is cry behind this smile.

In loving memory of my father.

PAIX

Iyanla Vanzant is my SHERO. She's a phenomenal woman, I can't believe I just got to know about her.  So for the past six days, I've watched every YouTube video of her, downloading the ones I can and drawing from her well of ceaseless knowledge. I've learnt so much in just six days that I already feel a certain kind of connection with her, needless to say it's weird.
     The things I've learnt about peace, forgiveness, self love and most of all, interrupting the patterns, are awesomely priceless. However, the greatest thing I've learnt in the six wonderful days is the rare ability to be at peace no matter the situation that life throws at me. On this strange journey of life, it is of utmost importance that we live in and at peace that supersedes human understanding; at peace knowing that we are not in charge, peace at disappointments even after giving our all and best, peace knowing that not everyone will accept and love us for who we are or the way we desire, peace through the struggle and peace when we are stuck between a rock and hard place.
       It is only when we are at peace with our broken pieces, irrespective of how ugly they may be, that everything begins to fall in place. Neither pretence nor denial of an existing unpleasant situation possesses the ability to make us feel better, it is being at peace with the memories and scars from such situations that opens the door for a healing process....the healing process that makes us wary not to repeat same mistake in a million other ways.  

IT'S NOT JUST SEX.

So many persons are stuck in a world of basic sex.  Basic packages are selling faster than ever, And everyday that passes, The number of people joining the gym for better bodies increases. A lot of men want to look the profile, ripped out beast mode and women want to look fearless with vulnerable perfect curves.  Nothing wrong in all of this....but I really would love to meet a man, who isn't basic, physically predictable to be the sex machine or look at the woman that has strength in her thighs written all over her.
       People deserve to feel hands and know those hands would count bread crumbs accurately and experience a tongue, that would taste a million spices and would respond in a million ways. With a basic guy, everything is expected, and probably a 2 or 12 inch sausage in a woman for almost an hour or an unbreakable woman, establishing her waist, riding a man forever....but don't you ever crave sex that would make you orgasm before getting the dicking? I mean... that should be like gluttony.  I'm satisfied but I just have to finish my meal or a massage that would make you cum in her hands before you approach her gate. I know this would be abstract for a lot of women and annoying for a lot of men. Well, sex has become a handshake for a lot of people, to some a hug, a kiss and a wink. You hear people say "it just sex" it's not just sex....It's more, its bonding, its a spiritual connection it's not something to be played with if one isn't ready because it makes things messy, it makes people over react and over think. Bottom line don't play with a persons feeling just because it's the new cool. It's never ever just sex, even sex workers do it for a reason. Know what suits your soul because they will come a time where "It's just sex" isn't going to be enough. 

PEACE BE STILL

Some times all you need to say is "Peace be still" and it works. Last week I did something that I am not proud of but I had to do what I did for my own good and sanity's sake. It affected me more than I had imagined, The Ms.panic in me came out. The pain; physically and emotionally, guilt, regret, Even though I had promised myself that I will try not to regret anything but rather learn from it. Not in this case. I regret everything that lead me to to what I did. I can't change what happened I can only make peace with myself and move on.
                           Better days ahead. Peace be still.

RE-STRATEGIZING

I feel like I have been chasing the wrong people, the wrong relationships/friendships. So back to basics for me from now on. It's four months to the end of 2015, And I am NOT going to use it and follow what doesn't want me.

There you go baby girl, make the remaining four months count.