FORGIVENESS

I love love love Tv shows, yesterday while watching "Being Mary-Jane" I heard something that touched me and I decided to share. Here goes;
                                               " Everyone wants to know how to move on from a tough time in their life, the point is people I see, the people tend to act out moving on, when in fact the only way to truly do it, to really do it is to start with forgiveness. Whether you're learning to forgive yourself for years of repeated disappointments, or whether you are searching to forgive the ones you love for repeatedly disappointing you, there will come a time where you will be asked to utter the words ''I forgive you".  In that moment you have a choice, you can suffer defeat and remain a failure or you can rise from the ashes and move forward. I say choose forgiveness".  
      
             Not forgiving yourself causes limitation, It limits your growth in ways that you might not even know. It's actually harder than forgiving someone else. You can act out healing and moving on but when you don't forgive yourself you will still remain at the same place, It's like making a mistake until you learn the lesson, you will keep on making the same mistake but in different ways. Some steps that I am taking to learn how to forgive myself.
1. Practising Self Acceptance
2.Understanding The Importance Of Self Forgiveness
3.Accepting My Emotions
4.Learning To Let Go Of Other People's Expectations Of Me
5.Writing
6.Seeing It As A Journey
So far I am doing okay, I have been repeating these steps over and over, and I will keep repeating them till I get to the end of my journey.
 Life Goes On So Forgive And Forget. :)

HAUNTED (PART ONE)

My earthly family tree, hmmm!!! there is a lot of mess there and truth be told it scares me, it overshadows me.
Growing up was fun! even though mummy wasn't home, she visited. I knew there was something that wasn't right there but I could care-less back then (hey, I was a child and still innocent, well apart from the little lies I told, yes LITTLE! lol).
When I started  secondary school, people looked at me with sympathy when they knew my parents were divorced. I still HATE these words "broken home" cause I heard a lot of it back then, to me everything was okay at home even though my parents weren't living together. I had to deal with the demons that hunted me about it personally, and then to hear everyone else say it outside affected me. Well, I always smiled about it but inside I was torn. I wanted what my friends had, a home with both parents, but this is the deal that I got instead........Things got worse as I entered university. Everyone started saying "no man would want to marry you, because you come from a broken home." **why do people think this way?** So I started thinking that I wasn't good enough, insecurities started. I felt that I would never be loved, I attributed every broken relationship to this. I believed that truly no man wanted me "for the long run" because I'm damaged goods.
 I didn't ask for any of it, so far I have allowed it define me. Telling myself "maybe this is the path I have to walk also." Don't get me wrong! in the midst of all the mess, I AM GRATEFUL. This is because I am going to take the good and the bad and bring NEW LIFE! maybe, if I do so, I can move past the limitations and the ties that bind.

The Little Things

"As I sat at the back of my chauffeur driven car at the traffic light, trying to get through on my mobile phone to a junior employee at my place of work. My eyes scanned the shops by the side while waiting for him to answer. I saw a man in front of his small shop, Almost not enough to contain his goods, arranging and pinning one of his shirts for sale on a board. He was doing it diligently and painstakingly till he got the right angle at which he wanted the shirt displayed. The shirt looked worn and dirtish, being carton coloured didn't help it's appearance. He moved on to adjust other items that were not set right then closed the glass door which was riddled with pictures of foreign boutiques, obviously cut from magazines. A passer-by said hello to him and he responded warmly with a genuine smile. This got me thinking of how life is full of strata. Here I was sitting in an air conditioned car being driven around with thoughts of how to have hundred of millions to my name and here was a vendor so content with making a least a sale for the day..."
            
 We have complained so much everyday about things that are not important, I know this cause I complain a lot to. We have forgotten how to count our blessings. As a little girl growing up I remember this popular song we used to sing at sunday school; 

"COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS, NAME THEM ONE BY ONE
 COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS, SEE WHAT GOD HAS DONE!
COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS, NAME THEM ONE BY ONE
AND IT WILL SURPRISE YOU WHAT THE LORD HAS DONE."

I don't think I really understood the meaning till today, YES TODAY! and am not ashamed to say this. Our blessings our more than material things, more than the fancy things we see, more than the wealth and fine things we want. It's way deeper than that. Yes life hasn't turned out the way we expected it to. The moolah isn't coming in as it should, our mates are married with kids, others are working and living comfortably and some of us still need to depend on our parents/guardians and when we wrong them, they stop our allowances to show us who has the upper hands. Some of us have lost a lot of opportunities that would have made our lives better because we didn't have the financial support to back it. We have cried in despair wondering where the problem is coming from. Some of us have had to turn religious overnight just to show God that if going to church was the problem that they have started oh, and stopped going when things become tougher. The pain and hurt has made us envious, judges, insecure, "haterz" as they say :). We have lost sight of what really is important.
         I have actually sat down for days turned off my phone, left social networks and thought about the hurts, pain, disappointments, mistakes, insults, failures, mockeries, tears etc. I often wonder will the future be any better? I am afraid of two things in my life like really afraid,( this doesn't mean that am no longer afraid of snakes or animals with teeth, damn! am even afraid of cockroaches lol)  Anyway the two things are- 1.To fail after everything I've been though, and losing my mother (the second one is a little lame, but it scares the shit outta me)* Whew!!! I said it.*
After my sister sent me the first part that I shared, telling me how her day started *bless her heart*, the song came straight to my mind  I started singing and crying at the same time, I cried for so many reasons, I have known loss, my little sister died at age 10 and 7 months, am sure she would gladly trade places to be where I am now. People are dying because of hunger, other are living in slums yet they are happy, they make the best of what they have, and here am I over-thinking of a blessed future that God has already planned out for me. I kept singing and crying finally I prayed, I asked God for forgiveness and strength and to also teach me to count my blessings and not be ungrateful. I know my life isn't perfect but it does have perfect moments and for that I should be thankful every minute of everyday.
    HAPPY FEBRUARY EVERYONE.