Acceptance

Acceptance is the hardest thing to deal with,(well to me). I don't think regret is that hard, with regret you just sigh, and ask yourself series of questions and then the hard part sets in, accepting it.
   I have made silly mistakes, most of them out of carelessness, not thinking about tomorrow. I believe that everyone should live each day as it comes but, while living thinking of the consequences that will come with tomorrow. I know that this year's theme for me is "Edwina, live a little" at the same time am not going to do it carelessly. I have tried so hard to accept the reckless and foolish choices I had made in the past, I have played and re-played them over and over in my head, I have imagined what would have happened if I had done things differently.
          Living in denial and acting all cool, there has been days that I had to use alcohol to subdue the pain, because of the shame of facing them. Skeletons coming alive to haunt me, up today and down tomorrow. Good news today and extremely bad news tomorrow.  Not being able to share what I was going through with people because of fear of rejection and judgement. I have asked myself severally, how did you do this all over again? when the plan was not to do it again.

I think these things keep repeating because I haven't accepted and dealt with the previous hurts. So the cycle continues because it hasn't been broken. I have this perfect ideals in my head but the realities I face are totally different. How I have been able to stand despite all this is still what amazes me till today.

 Well today I decided to break the cycle of pain. I took my rags and placed them at mercy's feet. I cannot undo the past, or turn back time, BUT I refuse a life of pain, hurt,& tears simply because I'm afraid  to accept my rags and move on.
I need to stop being afraid to dream again, I need to start believing in me and loving me more, a life of freedom and not fear, grace, strength, joy, happiness with no regrets. Seeing the beauty of my imperfections.
 
 I won't always get it right, but I won't stop trying and believing.
     Loving myself and my rags because they will always be a part of me and a part of the greatness that is unfolding everyday.

Toni Braxton, Babyface - Hurt You

QUE SERA SERA

I have always yearned to have a bff, You know how people post photos of their friends on social network sites and caption there "my confidant or my bff". Someone who could see something and go "Ah! Edwina would love this. Over the years I have had countless friends but majority of them had these things in common; what can Edwina bring to the table? How long, till she is no longer useful to us? I would go to the end of the world for my friends, feel their pain! that's what friends are for, so I taught. But the ones I usually end up with are the ones that only hang around me during the good times and have good excuse to disappear when the going gets tough. :). Today I asked myself - who are my real friends??? And I came up with only one answer "my sisters." There are things you don't want to tell your sisters but tell a female friend. I have a few good friends *don't get me wrong** but they are already someone else's "BFF'S." Trust me! they are not ready to bring a new person into their inner circle (sounds like a cult, yes! that's how it should be! a cult, ...bond difficult for people on the outside to explain). I have  few AMAZING male friends, I call them my brothers, but there are things you can't talk to them about, ie; You can't tell them if you miss your period, or about a guy that you like, you can't even tell them about your favourite songs cause they will say it's too girly **don't know what they expect from a girl,lol** What they really care about is money, food, soccer and women (you could arrange them anyway you want). Meanwhile, there are times you need your girls around, have a pyjama party, laugh and cry together. I want to have these with real friends not fake ones.  It got really bad when I came to this country, everyone is sooo fake (well 99 percent), you can sense it from a mile. You have to learn  how to build this wall around you to survive out here*true story** All the same She is grateful because nothing just happens, Maybe, someday soon (I hope) the real friends will find me, Yes! they have to find me this time around cause and done searching.

                      Laters xoxo

RANDOM

Yesterday I noticed something different about me, There is this new aura of happiness going on in my soul I am at peace and this hasn't happened in a long long time. I decided to let go of all my worries and breath. Something has been bothering me and I would love to know what other people think about it, after I posted a little part of the book am writing I got a lot of messages and the page views has been amazing. *thank you* (truly sex sells, lol) One particular message someone sent me got me thinking, "She said what if the sex is amazing in the start of the marriage, then it becomes sour later on" First of all I am not married haha so I won't know about that but I think, sex is a dynamic factor in marriage. It makes couple have this constant bond, I feel sex is more spiritual than physical it's like two souls bonding together in the supernatural ( Edwina hold up, stop going all sex therapist on yourself haha). Back to the question I think that if the sex is good and then sour later and you wanna stay in the marriage for whatever reason (after all, marriage is not all about sex, and sex is not everything) then you should be sure that the sex is good first before you marry (yea I said it, I know christians are not supposed to have sex till marriage; but am just saying it as it is, cause that's the lie we tell ourselves but we do otherwise). That way when the love slows down a little the sex will still be good. *big grin* someone will read this and say what does she know, truly I don't know this is just what I think o. #NowRunning 

     

      Laters. 

IOLO

I am going to live a little this year :), travel whenever am on school break, do spontaneous things, go to a dance school, music school, marshal arts school,attend writing classes( I need to perfect my use of punctuation marks cause she really doesn't understand how , . " '; : ! ~ ` < >  works, lol) .....I have been way to uptight and goody goody lol. Try out new foods  for those who know me that's a big deal for me. I love to cook, wait!! am a bad ass chef hahaha **lemme brag a little*** but it's hard for me to try out unfamiliar meals **that's either the bush girl in me talking or fear for taking risk**.
This year I am going all out **Operation suppress shy Wina** Yep that's one thing I don't like about me; the fact that I am extremely shy. I have a feeling that this year is going to be the last year am going to remain  single and we all know what happens after marriage esp as Africans-Nigerians you are basically your husband's property no more moving around anyhow. He has to come first, try getting up one morning to travel without proper permission. Aja utada k'eyen lol sorry I had to throw in my local dialect, Annang Ajid Mma!! ( Akwa Ibom State, Represent!), So this year I am going to make the most of it. IOLO!!. "I Only Live Once"

LATERS XOXO

PG

Today I have decided to share a little bit of the book I'm writing to everyone I don't have a name for it yet but I will eventually, so here it is:

"Sex with him felt like I was raped, even though he was gentle it hurt. And whenever he touched my breast tears ran down my cheeks and when he slid his hands down to my ***** I died a little every time, I let him have his way with me I pretend as if I am having the time of my life.
Women are natural actresses especially an African woman,You have no choice but to smile and act as if you are happy and content. No one wants to be divorced and bring shame on her family, so you suck it up, and act. How do I tell my husband that I dread it every time he comes back home because of the sex and he has a high sex appetite. It was better when I was pregnant cause I had a good excuse even when the doctors told me sex would help in making the delivery less painful, I was ready to face the pain than let him touch me for the next nine months. I used to love sex with my ex the mere sight of him made me drip in places I dare not mention, Love-making was amazing with him I never seem to get enough, we never seemed to get enough of each other we made love everywhere and anywhere, our hands couldn't stop touching each other. I was like a little nymphomaniac but that was my ex. Now am married and everything just changed. I love my husband, I have grown to love him or maybe it's just acceptance cause he is the father of my children and a very good father and husband but, 12 years together and the only time I have had an orgasm is when I touch myself and daydream about my ex. Am I wrong to.........

*big grin** That's all am sharing....You will have to wait for the book guys :) 

REFLECTION

Today I woke up and taught about 2013, what didn't I do right? (a lot) what would have happened if everything happened as I wanted it to?. I gave last year my all there where days I sat down and talked to myself alone and asked if there was more to give that I didn't know of I was ready to give my blood if that's what was required to make the last year a little better. And oh FRIENDS!!Yes they stabbed me big time especially the ones I held in high esteem. Humans are just complicatedly unique in their own ways and o'boy I saw a lot of characters last year, I allowed way to many people into my life and they took proper advantage. I hurt a few people as well too but the thing about that is that I didn't do it intentionally I would love to write here that I will make amends but that will be a lie cause I don't really care about it any more (Edwina not a good thing to say o o o o) I apologised but they all wanted a butt licking apology which is not possible lol.
I would have loved to rewind time and change a lot of things that happened last year but am glad that we are not given that privilege despite it all I found my voice last year and I wouldn't want to trade that for any kind of changes. 

New Beginning

Happy New year everyone, This year started quite good I got a call from someone I didn't expect I don't care how the year turns out to be that call just made my year perfect already **smiling**. Anyway 2014 is here a lot of people make new year resolutions and end up forgetting them a week after lol, I used to forget mine after a week :D so this year I set goals, my goals might sound stupid but here there are
1. Post here at least 6 times a week
2. Read the bible everyday
3. Workout everyday (yea am still on the workout journey)
4.-------------- ( not telling,lol)

Gotta go get ready cause everything starts tomorrow and yours truly has to fast for 12 days from tomorrow am also travelling back home this week. **smiling** I know someone who is going to read this and smile at the travelling part I have kept it a secret to long lemme break it to him here hahahaha.
All the best everyone Laters xoxoxo