Acceptance is the hardest thing to deal with,(well to me). I don't think regret is that hard, with regret you just sigh, and ask yourself series of questions and then the hard part sets in, accepting it.
I have made silly mistakes, most of them out of carelessness, not thinking about tomorrow. I believe that everyone should live each day as it comes but, while living thinking of the consequences that will come with tomorrow. I know that this year's theme for me is "Edwina, live a little" at the same time am not going to do it carelessly. I have tried so hard to accept the reckless and foolish choices I had made in the past, I have played and re-played them over and over in my head, I have imagined what would have happened if I had done things differently.
Living in denial and acting all cool, there has been days that I had to use alcohol to subdue the pain, because of the shame of facing them. Skeletons coming alive to haunt me, up today and down tomorrow. Good news today and extremely bad news tomorrow. Not being able to share what I was going through with people because of fear of rejection and judgement. I have asked myself severally, how did you do this all over again? when the plan was not to do it again.
I think these things keep repeating because I haven't accepted and dealt with the previous hurts. So the cycle continues because it hasn't been broken. I have this perfect ideals in my head but the realities I face are totally different. How I have been able to stand despite all this is still what amazes me till today.
Well today I decided to break the cycle of pain. I took my rags and placed them at mercy's feet. I cannot undo the past, or turn back time, BUT I refuse a life of pain, hurt,& tears simply because I'm afraid to accept my rags and move on.
I need to stop being afraid to dream again, I need to start believing in me and loving me more, a life of freedom and not fear, grace, strength, joy, happiness with no regrets. Seeing the beauty of my imperfections.
I won't always get it right, but I won't stop trying and believing.
Loving myself and my rags because they will always be a part of me and a part of the greatness that is unfolding everyday.
I have made silly mistakes, most of them out of carelessness, not thinking about tomorrow. I believe that everyone should live each day as it comes but, while living thinking of the consequences that will come with tomorrow. I know that this year's theme for me is "Edwina, live a little" at the same time am not going to do it carelessly. I have tried so hard to accept the reckless and foolish choices I had made in the past, I have played and re-played them over and over in my head, I have imagined what would have happened if I had done things differently.
Living in denial and acting all cool, there has been days that I had to use alcohol to subdue the pain, because of the shame of facing them. Skeletons coming alive to haunt me, up today and down tomorrow. Good news today and extremely bad news tomorrow. Not being able to share what I was going through with people because of fear of rejection and judgement. I have asked myself severally, how did you do this all over again? when the plan was not to do it again.
I think these things keep repeating because I haven't accepted and dealt with the previous hurts. So the cycle continues because it hasn't been broken. I have this perfect ideals in my head but the realities I face are totally different. How I have been able to stand despite all this is still what amazes me till today.
Well today I decided to break the cycle of pain. I took my rags and placed them at mercy's feet. I cannot undo the past, or turn back time, BUT I refuse a life of pain, hurt,& tears simply because I'm afraid to accept my rags and move on.
I need to stop being afraid to dream again, I need to start believing in me and loving me more, a life of freedom and not fear, grace, strength, joy, happiness with no regrets. Seeing the beauty of my imperfections.
I won't always get it right, but I won't stop trying and believing.
Loving myself and my rags because they will always be a part of me and a part of the greatness that is unfolding everyday.
In the end,if we don't accept ourselves for who and what we are,no one else will.
ReplyDeleteLovely post,articulate and concise.
Bless your heart Edwina.
When you forgive your imperfections, and you've auctioned all your clothes and you look to see your true reflection, you will be the one who loves you the most ~ Brett Dennen
ReplyDeleteNemo dat quod non habet..... can you love another when you haven't loved yourself?
Accept and embrace your past, yes, I am that girl that did all those horrible things, my past has many stains you can call it dirty but well, I have a saviour, He is my judge! He has not condemned me, therefore I and no one else will.
So true Vee, Thanks for your comment. XOXO
DeleteWell.... What can I say? You couldn't have said it better. Amazing how you use words. Great read
ReplyDelete