PAIX

Iyanla Vanzant is my SHERO. She's a phenomenal woman, I can't believe I just got to know about her.  So for the past six days, I've watched every YouTube video of her, downloading the ones I can and drawing from her well of ceaseless knowledge. I've learnt so much in just six days that I already feel a certain kind of connection with her, needless to say it's weird.
     The things I've learnt about peace, forgiveness, self love and most of all, interrupting the patterns, are awesomely priceless. However, the greatest thing I've learnt in the six wonderful days is the rare ability to be at peace no matter the situation that life throws at me. On this strange journey of life, it is of utmost importance that we live in and at peace that supersedes human understanding; at peace knowing that we are not in charge, peace at disappointments even after giving our all and best, peace knowing that not everyone will accept and love us for who we are or the way we desire, peace through the struggle and peace when we are stuck between a rock and hard place.
       It is only when we are at peace with our broken pieces, irrespective of how ugly they may be, that everything begins to fall in place. Neither pretence nor denial of an existing unpleasant situation possesses the ability to make us feel better, it is being at peace with the memories and scars from such situations that opens the door for a healing process....the healing process that makes us wary not to repeat same mistake in a million other ways.  

IT'S NOT JUST SEX.

So many persons are stuck in a world of basic sex.  Basic packages are selling faster than ever, And everyday that passes, The number of people joining the gym for better bodies increases. A lot of men want to look the profile, ripped out beast mode and women want to look fearless with vulnerable perfect curves.  Nothing wrong in all of this....but I really would love to meet a man, who isn't basic, physically predictable to be the sex machine or look at the woman that has strength in her thighs written all over her.
       People deserve to feel hands and know those hands would count bread crumbs accurately and experience a tongue, that would taste a million spices and would respond in a million ways. With a basic guy, everything is expected, and probably a 2 or 12 inch sausage in a woman for almost an hour or an unbreakable woman, establishing her waist, riding a man forever....but don't you ever crave sex that would make you orgasm before getting the dicking? I mean... that should be like gluttony.  I'm satisfied but I just have to finish my meal or a massage that would make you cum in her hands before you approach her gate. I know this would be abstract for a lot of women and annoying for a lot of men. Well, sex has become a handshake for a lot of people, to some a hug, a kiss and a wink. You hear people say "it just sex" it's not just sex....It's more, its bonding, its a spiritual connection it's not something to be played with if one isn't ready because it makes things messy, it makes people over react and over think. Bottom line don't play with a persons feeling just because it's the new cool. It's never ever just sex, even sex workers do it for a reason. Know what suits your soul because they will come a time where "It's just sex" isn't going to be enough. 

PEACE BE STILL

Some times all you need to say is "Peace be still" and it works. Last week I did something that I am not proud of but I had to do what I did for my own good and sanity's sake. It affected me more than I had imagined, The Ms.panic in me came out. The pain; physically and emotionally, guilt, regret, Even though I had promised myself that I will try not to regret anything but rather learn from it. Not in this case. I regret everything that lead me to to what I did. I can't change what happened I can only make peace with myself and move on.
                           Better days ahead. Peace be still.

RE-STRATEGIZING

I feel like I have been chasing the wrong people, the wrong relationships/friendships. So back to basics for me from now on. It's four months to the end of 2015, And I am NOT going to use it and follow what doesn't want me.

There you go baby girl, make the remaining four months count. 

GOOD DEEDS

          Today I decided to sow a seed for my children's future, Growing up has taught me so many lessons,  I  have been through the good, the bad and the ugly. The dreams I had, The perfect life I envisioned shattered along the way. So I have decided to do something different for the lives of my unborn children, I'm not saying that their lives would be perfect but at the same time I don't ever want them to lack financial aid especially when it comes to education. I see parents working so hard all the time just to save for their children's future. Since I'm still depending on my family at the moment I have decided to share the little I get by sending someone else to school, making someone's dream of an education come true. This isn't something I would normally write about here but it might help a reader of this post to decide to do a good deed today, Nothing feels good like doing a good deed and even when I don't always see the blessings or feel blessed. I know that I am blessed and greatness flows in my veins and nothing can change that.
     No good deed goes unnoticed. 

WAKE UP!

Yay!! It's about time I share another song that I really like :) In another life I would probably be a musician, It's more than just the beats for me the lyrical content is also important.
     Verse two of this song got to me.
   
         ENJOY.

Random

        I think I need to face what I could have been
        in order to understand and accept what I am.

                                              Cecilia Ahern

AMEN

I stumbled on another blog today, The post I read had to do with asking God for healing. After reading the comments I had to kneel down, Pray and asked God for forgiveness. People have serious issues terrible heartaches that would take a miracle to fix and I am here fussing about something that I gave permission to tear me apart. I know the disappointing heart crushing feeling isn't fantastic but I can't even begin to compare my situation to what I just read, If half of it is true I don't even wish that to my enemies.
            Heavenly Father, I ask for forgiveness, wisdom, healing, strength, happiness. Teach me to count my blessings help my heart to forgive, heal my soul. Put me back together again. I know that this isn't the end of the book, It might be the end of a chapter.You are forever faithful Lord. Amen.
      I always say ''pick a struggle" I think it's time I picked mine and by picking mine that means choosing me, being selfish. I will always choose myself cause the truth remains that, "When push comes to shove only a few people will really come through for you" That's if you aren't left to deal with it alone.
                 
                                                   So help me God.

MERCI MON AGENDA

Dear Diary,
                        I have so much that I would love to say to you, but let me start by saying that starting this blog wasn't a bad idea. You have been there for me when I can't express my emotions verbally, all I need to do is come here and write. And I would feel better automatically, You have helped me grow with my writing when I read my earlier posts to the newest ones I see growth and to me that is beauty. Because of you I have paid more attention to my punctuations lol (even though I still have a long way to go) starting this blog has been one of the best decisions I made in my entire life, it's like having an invisible friend.
          The few feedbacks I have gotten from people, Especially seasoned writers blows my mind that people I respect a lot as writers visit my blog.
Thank you HER DIARY TODAY for giving me an opportunity to find myself, express myself, love and accept my flaws even when it's extremely hard. I will try to post often (I say that all the time) and publish all the writing that I have stored in drafts, when the time is right.
                                   
                                           Love always
                                                          Edwina Akpabio. 

SHE BLOOMS

Today I am thankful for the gift of friends, Yesterday was something! from laughing hard and crying at the same time, Let's just say I didn't know how to express any emotion happy or sad without crying. At the end of the day I felt so much better. My friends may not always say the right things, but they know the right things to do to cheer me up. 

     There is nothing ordinary about me, I learnt long time ago that my story is significant, the way I feel things is different from other people. Good or bad I have learnt to be thankful and grateful for the lessons. 

       Thank you life, Let's try this all over again, I'm not in the business of giving up because of a bad experience. who knows this time might be better and if it's not, we will keep trying. :* 

                              

                                  Laters:) 

CLOSURE.....

I woke up early and went for a run, something I don't like doing. I ran for an hour, I still don't know how I was able to run for that long. I had given myself the whole of yesterday to be broken and get over it today,  Apparently that's not how it works cause when I came back from running tears rolled out of my eyes on their own, I tried to hold them back in but to no avail. I literally felt all my bones weakening that's when I knew that I can't just "ADULT" this one out. I have to go through this pain, I can't run away from it. I hope writing about it helps because MBA is a serious business I can't study if my head/heart is not in the right place I just can't.  My life is so disorganized in just two days, I look like a shadow of myself, I need closure.

DEAR HEART, WHY HIM?

Just when you think you have it under control, Someone comes along and messes with your heart all over again. The pain makes you relive all the other bitter memories, Makes you think you're worthless.  Makes you question everything. It just ruins every good thing you had going on in your life.
     Friends try to cheer you up, Saying things they feel you need to hear, but you are still, Cold palms and feet from lack of blood circulation, You are literally frozen, Vision blurring, And in that moment I heard my heart break, It was a small sound like  the snapping of a flower stem. Every part of my body is broken too. I feel my lungs closing, I want to lock myself in and break down, not because someone random dude decided to play with my heartstrings but because I broke down my walls, Something I never should have done.
       I took a chance and he took a swing, I took it hard. The sad thing is that I still miss him with all the broken pieces.
 I know my heart will never be the same again, but I'm telling myself that I will fine okay.