BROKEN

My faith in God has been tested one too many times this year, today I had to ask myself the question I NEVER want to ask myself again. Is there really a God?

TOTALLY RANDOM.....

   Today is my friend's graduation, (shout out to @megtedy_) so while we were in the bathroom doing our "hair business" this thought popped into my head(no shade to anyone oh) here it goes; My friend's hair is natural #teamnatural  yay!! mine is relaxed #booooooo, hahaha. Alright back to the thought, So nowadays the new trend is natural hair.

What's Friendship?

Something happened recently, okay so! here goes.... I reached out to one of my friends that I haven't seen in a while, better still I really haven't connected with her and I missed her. She said I hurt her, made her feel less important. I was shocked, not because of what she said I did. But because she kept it to herself for this long and never mentioned a word about it. We are humans, we all make mistakes even in our relationships.
  There are little things that we might overlook or take for granted that would mean the world to others.
I personally, tend to keep my feelings to myself. If there is one thing I learnt over the past few months, it is to TALK! tell the other person and get over with it. When you keep things bottled up it ends a beautiful friendship.
  So I ask, What is friendship all about? if we cant't tell one another "you really hurt me today" or " I don't like what you said or did" this could help the other person sit up.
There is a quote by Robert Brault that says "Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got" I don't think this should be applicable to people you love. Correct them, point it out, (they might not know), listen to their own side, whether it makes sense or not, after all no one is perfect and move on. I would rather get the apology there and then, than learn to accept the apology that I might never get because I didn't say something.
      Oh Well!!!! la vida continua.   

Who Inspires you?

"Who inspire you?"
This was put up on instagram today. I went through the comment section and i saw the names people tagged, some seemed like a joke others felt like they really meant it. This thought popped into my head "Who inspires me?" First i had to check the meaning of inspiration,(don't get me wrong, i know what it means but i had to check again to evaluate the people in my life and the people i admire, lol)
    After i checked, thought about it, re-read the meaning of inspiration, I could only come up with 5 people who truly inspire me. People I want to work hard to be like or greater than. lol
To anyone who reads this, ask yourself  "who inspires me" I think its a good question to ask ourselves, cause it "MIGHT" make us work a little hard to succeeding.
    YES, I have been away for too long. A whole lot happened while i was away ! Trust me, i will fill you in (wink). Once again welcome to my crazy beautiful life :)
XOXO

GROWN WOMAN

Yesterday was my birthday, while I was getting ready to leave the house and go out with a few friends, I looked in the mirror and saw two young women. One who has been beat up by life with all the heart aches, pains, mistakes, regrets and wrong decisions. The other, a beautiful young woman, in her eyes I saw hope, greatness, happiness, bravery, strength. I saw a  grown woman.

This is another new beginning for me and the start of the best days of my life. Happy days are here, I know I'll be just fine.

Laters..... 

Random

They say everyone comes into our lives for a reason, Sometimes we don't know the reason until they are gone, other times even after they are gone we still don't know why they were there in the first place cause there was no impact. Now that's the reason "No Impact" a friend told me something years ago when I was younger and didn't dedicate 22 hours of everyday thinking *lol, true story sha** he said "don't just make friends, let your relationship with them be meaningful,you don't need friends that will sit and talk about boys all day long, think of what you guys can contribute to the world". Evaluate the people in your life, when they leave and there was no impact, don't let the next set that comes in be the same way, don't even allow them in, stop them at the doorway if they have nothing meaningful to offer.
    IN OTHER NEWS: THIS IS MY BIRTH MONTH YAY!! 
     HAPPY NEW MONTH EVERYONE. XXX

FORGIVENESS

I love love love Tv shows, yesterday while watching "Being Mary-Jane" I heard something that touched me and I decided to share. Here goes;
                                               " Everyone wants to know how to move on from a tough time in their life, the point is people I see, the people tend to act out moving on, when in fact the only way to truly do it, to really do it is to start with forgiveness. Whether you're learning to forgive yourself for years of repeated disappointments, or whether you are searching to forgive the ones you love for repeatedly disappointing you, there will come a time where you will be asked to utter the words ''I forgive you".  In that moment you have a choice, you can suffer defeat and remain a failure or you can rise from the ashes and move forward. I say choose forgiveness".  
      
             Not forgiving yourself causes limitation, It limits your growth in ways that you might not even know. It's actually harder than forgiving someone else. You can act out healing and moving on but when you don't forgive yourself you will still remain at the same place, It's like making a mistake until you learn the lesson, you will keep on making the same mistake but in different ways. Some steps that I am taking to learn how to forgive myself.
1. Practising Self Acceptance
2.Understanding The Importance Of Self Forgiveness
3.Accepting My Emotions
4.Learning To Let Go Of Other People's Expectations Of Me
5.Writing
6.Seeing It As A Journey
So far I am doing okay, I have been repeating these steps over and over, and I will keep repeating them till I get to the end of my journey.
 Life Goes On So Forgive And Forget. :)

HAUNTED (PART ONE)

My earthly family tree, hmmm!!! there is a lot of mess there and truth be told it scares me, it overshadows me.
Growing up was fun! even though mummy wasn't home, she visited. I knew there was something that wasn't right there but I could care-less back then (hey, I was a child and still innocent, well apart from the little lies I told, yes LITTLE! lol).
When I started  secondary school, people looked at me with sympathy when they knew my parents were divorced. I still HATE these words "broken home" cause I heard a lot of it back then, to me everything was okay at home even though my parents weren't living together. I had to deal with the demons that hunted me about it personally, and then to hear everyone else say it outside affected me. Well, I always smiled about it but inside I was torn. I wanted what my friends had, a home with both parents, but this is the deal that I got instead........Things got worse as I entered university. Everyone started saying "no man would want to marry you, because you come from a broken home." **why do people think this way?** So I started thinking that I wasn't good enough, insecurities started. I felt that I would never be loved, I attributed every broken relationship to this. I believed that truly no man wanted me "for the long run" because I'm damaged goods.
 I didn't ask for any of it, so far I have allowed it define me. Telling myself "maybe this is the path I have to walk also." Don't get me wrong! in the midst of all the mess, I AM GRATEFUL. This is because I am going to take the good and the bad and bring NEW LIFE! maybe, if I do so, I can move past the limitations and the ties that bind.

The Little Things

"As I sat at the back of my chauffeur driven car at the traffic light, trying to get through on my mobile phone to a junior employee at my place of work. My eyes scanned the shops by the side while waiting for him to answer. I saw a man in front of his small shop, Almost not enough to contain his goods, arranging and pinning one of his shirts for sale on a board. He was doing it diligently and painstakingly till he got the right angle at which he wanted the shirt displayed. The shirt looked worn and dirtish, being carton coloured didn't help it's appearance. He moved on to adjust other items that were not set right then closed the glass door which was riddled with pictures of foreign boutiques, obviously cut from magazines. A passer-by said hello to him and he responded warmly with a genuine smile. This got me thinking of how life is full of strata. Here I was sitting in an air conditioned car being driven around with thoughts of how to have hundred of millions to my name and here was a vendor so content with making a least a sale for the day..."
            
 We have complained so much everyday about things that are not important, I know this cause I complain a lot to. We have forgotten how to count our blessings. As a little girl growing up I remember this popular song we used to sing at sunday school; 

"COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS, NAME THEM ONE BY ONE
 COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS, SEE WHAT GOD HAS DONE!
COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS, NAME THEM ONE BY ONE
AND IT WILL SURPRISE YOU WHAT THE LORD HAS DONE."

I don't think I really understood the meaning till today, YES TODAY! and am not ashamed to say this. Our blessings our more than material things, more than the fancy things we see, more than the wealth and fine things we want. It's way deeper than that. Yes life hasn't turned out the way we expected it to. The moolah isn't coming in as it should, our mates are married with kids, others are working and living comfortably and some of us still need to depend on our parents/guardians and when we wrong them, they stop our allowances to show us who has the upper hands. Some of us have lost a lot of opportunities that would have made our lives better because we didn't have the financial support to back it. We have cried in despair wondering where the problem is coming from. Some of us have had to turn religious overnight just to show God that if going to church was the problem that they have started oh, and stopped going when things become tougher. The pain and hurt has made us envious, judges, insecure, "haterz" as they say :). We have lost sight of what really is important.
         I have actually sat down for days turned off my phone, left social networks and thought about the hurts, pain, disappointments, mistakes, insults, failures, mockeries, tears etc. I often wonder will the future be any better? I am afraid of two things in my life like really afraid,( this doesn't mean that am no longer afraid of snakes or animals with teeth, damn! am even afraid of cockroaches lol)  Anyway the two things are- 1.To fail after everything I've been though, and losing my mother (the second one is a little lame, but it scares the shit outta me)* Whew!!! I said it.*
After my sister sent me the first part that I shared, telling me how her day started *bless her heart*, the song came straight to my mind  I started singing and crying at the same time, I cried for so many reasons, I have known loss, my little sister died at age 10 and 7 months, am sure she would gladly trade places to be where I am now. People are dying because of hunger, other are living in slums yet they are happy, they make the best of what they have, and here am I over-thinking of a blessed future that God has already planned out for me. I kept singing and crying finally I prayed, I asked God for forgiveness and strength and to also teach me to count my blessings and not be ungrateful. I know my life isn't perfect but it does have perfect moments and for that I should be thankful every minute of everyday.
    HAPPY FEBRUARY EVERYONE.

Acceptance

Acceptance is the hardest thing to deal with,(well to me). I don't think regret is that hard, with regret you just sigh, and ask yourself series of questions and then the hard part sets in, accepting it.
   I have made silly mistakes, most of them out of carelessness, not thinking about tomorrow. I believe that everyone should live each day as it comes but, while living thinking of the consequences that will come with tomorrow. I know that this year's theme for me is "Edwina, live a little" at the same time am not going to do it carelessly. I have tried so hard to accept the reckless and foolish choices I had made in the past, I have played and re-played them over and over in my head, I have imagined what would have happened if I had done things differently.
          Living in denial and acting all cool, there has been days that I had to use alcohol to subdue the pain, because of the shame of facing them. Skeletons coming alive to haunt me, up today and down tomorrow. Good news today and extremely bad news tomorrow.  Not being able to share what I was going through with people because of fear of rejection and judgement. I have asked myself severally, how did you do this all over again? when the plan was not to do it again.

I think these things keep repeating because I haven't accepted and dealt with the previous hurts. So the cycle continues because it hasn't been broken. I have this perfect ideals in my head but the realities I face are totally different. How I have been able to stand despite all this is still what amazes me till today.

 Well today I decided to break the cycle of pain. I took my rags and placed them at mercy's feet. I cannot undo the past, or turn back time, BUT I refuse a life of pain, hurt,& tears simply because I'm afraid  to accept my rags and move on.
I need to stop being afraid to dream again, I need to start believing in me and loving me more, a life of freedom and not fear, grace, strength, joy, happiness with no regrets. Seeing the beauty of my imperfections.
 
 I won't always get it right, but I won't stop trying and believing.
     Loving myself and my rags because they will always be a part of me and a part of the greatness that is unfolding everyday.

Toni Braxton, Babyface - Hurt You

QUE SERA SERA

I have always yearned to have a bff, You know how people post photos of their friends on social network sites and caption there "my confidant or my bff". Someone who could see something and go "Ah! Edwina would love this. Over the years I have had countless friends but majority of them had these things in common; what can Edwina bring to the table? How long, till she is no longer useful to us? I would go to the end of the world for my friends, feel their pain! that's what friends are for, so I taught. But the ones I usually end up with are the ones that only hang around me during the good times and have good excuse to disappear when the going gets tough. :). Today I asked myself - who are my real friends??? And I came up with only one answer "my sisters." There are things you don't want to tell your sisters but tell a female friend. I have a few good friends *don't get me wrong** but they are already someone else's "BFF'S." Trust me! they are not ready to bring a new person into their inner circle (sounds like a cult, yes! that's how it should be! a cult, ...bond difficult for people on the outside to explain). I have  few AMAZING male friends, I call them my brothers, but there are things you can't talk to them about, ie; You can't tell them if you miss your period, or about a guy that you like, you can't even tell them about your favourite songs cause they will say it's too girly **don't know what they expect from a girl,lol** What they really care about is money, food, soccer and women (you could arrange them anyway you want). Meanwhile, there are times you need your girls around, have a pyjama party, laugh and cry together. I want to have these with real friends not fake ones.  It got really bad when I came to this country, everyone is sooo fake (well 99 percent), you can sense it from a mile. You have to learn  how to build this wall around you to survive out here*true story** All the same She is grateful because nothing just happens, Maybe, someday soon (I hope) the real friends will find me, Yes! they have to find me this time around cause and done searching.

                      Laters xoxo

RANDOM

Yesterday I noticed something different about me, There is this new aura of happiness going on in my soul I am at peace and this hasn't happened in a long long time. I decided to let go of all my worries and breath. Something has been bothering me and I would love to know what other people think about it, after I posted a little part of the book am writing I got a lot of messages and the page views has been amazing. *thank you* (truly sex sells, lol) One particular message someone sent me got me thinking, "She said what if the sex is amazing in the start of the marriage, then it becomes sour later on" First of all I am not married haha so I won't know about that but I think, sex is a dynamic factor in marriage. It makes couple have this constant bond, I feel sex is more spiritual than physical it's like two souls bonding together in the supernatural ( Edwina hold up, stop going all sex therapist on yourself haha). Back to the question I think that if the sex is good and then sour later and you wanna stay in the marriage for whatever reason (after all, marriage is not all about sex, and sex is not everything) then you should be sure that the sex is good first before you marry (yea I said it, I know christians are not supposed to have sex till marriage; but am just saying it as it is, cause that's the lie we tell ourselves but we do otherwise). That way when the love slows down a little the sex will still be good. *big grin* someone will read this and say what does she know, truly I don't know this is just what I think o. #NowRunning 

     

      Laters. 

IOLO

I am going to live a little this year :), travel whenever am on school break, do spontaneous things, go to a dance school, music school, marshal arts school,attend writing classes( I need to perfect my use of punctuation marks cause she really doesn't understand how , . " '; : ! ~ ` < >  works, lol) .....I have been way to uptight and goody goody lol. Try out new foods  for those who know me that's a big deal for me. I love to cook, wait!! am a bad ass chef hahaha **lemme brag a little*** but it's hard for me to try out unfamiliar meals **that's either the bush girl in me talking or fear for taking risk**.
This year I am going all out **Operation suppress shy Wina** Yep that's one thing I don't like about me; the fact that I am extremely shy. I have a feeling that this year is going to be the last year am going to remain  single and we all know what happens after marriage esp as Africans-Nigerians you are basically your husband's property no more moving around anyhow. He has to come first, try getting up one morning to travel without proper permission. Aja utada k'eyen lol sorry I had to throw in my local dialect, Annang Ajid Mma!! ( Akwa Ibom State, Represent!), So this year I am going to make the most of it. IOLO!!. "I Only Live Once"

LATERS XOXO

PG

Today I have decided to share a little bit of the book I'm writing to everyone I don't have a name for it yet but I will eventually, so here it is:

"Sex with him felt like I was raped, even though he was gentle it hurt. And whenever he touched my breast tears ran down my cheeks and when he slid his hands down to my ***** I died a little every time, I let him have his way with me I pretend as if I am having the time of my life.
Women are natural actresses especially an African woman,You have no choice but to smile and act as if you are happy and content. No one wants to be divorced and bring shame on her family, so you suck it up, and act. How do I tell my husband that I dread it every time he comes back home because of the sex and he has a high sex appetite. It was better when I was pregnant cause I had a good excuse even when the doctors told me sex would help in making the delivery less painful, I was ready to face the pain than let him touch me for the next nine months. I used to love sex with my ex the mere sight of him made me drip in places I dare not mention, Love-making was amazing with him I never seem to get enough, we never seemed to get enough of each other we made love everywhere and anywhere, our hands couldn't stop touching each other. I was like a little nymphomaniac but that was my ex. Now am married and everything just changed. I love my husband, I have grown to love him or maybe it's just acceptance cause he is the father of my children and a very good father and husband but, 12 years together and the only time I have had an orgasm is when I touch myself and daydream about my ex. Am I wrong to.........

*big grin** That's all am sharing....You will have to wait for the book guys :) 

REFLECTION

Today I woke up and taught about 2013, what didn't I do right? (a lot) what would have happened if everything happened as I wanted it to?. I gave last year my all there where days I sat down and talked to myself alone and asked if there was more to give that I didn't know of I was ready to give my blood if that's what was required to make the last year a little better. And oh FRIENDS!!Yes they stabbed me big time especially the ones I held in high esteem. Humans are just complicatedly unique in their own ways and o'boy I saw a lot of characters last year, I allowed way to many people into my life and they took proper advantage. I hurt a few people as well too but the thing about that is that I didn't do it intentionally I would love to write here that I will make amends but that will be a lie cause I don't really care about it any more (Edwina not a good thing to say o o o o) I apologised but they all wanted a butt licking apology which is not possible lol.
I would have loved to rewind time and change a lot of things that happened last year but am glad that we are not given that privilege despite it all I found my voice last year and I wouldn't want to trade that for any kind of changes. 

New Beginning

Happy New year everyone, This year started quite good I got a call from someone I didn't expect I don't care how the year turns out to be that call just made my year perfect already **smiling**. Anyway 2014 is here a lot of people make new year resolutions and end up forgetting them a week after lol, I used to forget mine after a week :D so this year I set goals, my goals might sound stupid but here there are
1. Post here at least 6 times a week
2. Read the bible everyday
3. Workout everyday (yea am still on the workout journey)
4.-------------- ( not telling,lol)

Gotta go get ready cause everything starts tomorrow and yours truly has to fast for 12 days from tomorrow am also travelling back home this week. **smiling** I know someone who is going to read this and smile at the travelling part I have kept it a secret to long lemme break it to him here hahahaha.
All the best everyone Laters xoxoxo