2016 GOALS

God...few words...peace...wisdom..family...self improvement...less drama...choosing my circle more wisely...learning...living and loving.

2016

NOVEMBER

I thought about writing something motivational/inspiring but I'm not just in that space. So I'm gonna share a song that really says how I feel....

This is me right now.
60 days to go and we will say goodbye to 2015. Happy new month lovelies. 

HEALED

I got an unexpected call today, after a while my friends sent messages to me that had to do with the call. I didn't know how to process the shocking information that I got, so many thoughts ran through my head, one was "The heart of man is desperately wicked"  the second thing was "we reap what we sow". The good thing is that I felt so good, I did nothing wrong and the news didn't break me they way it would have. I had made peace with it already and today confirmed it for me :). I'm done hurting finally!! Truth is I am better off without the B.S.
   Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Keyword: #TIME

YOU

I don't believe in perfection without negative and positive being experienced, negatives will drill you and break you, and the positives will make you and break you still. These two break you into consciousness of the life before you, and you will choose and your choice is what makes your life special.
         Unwana Umana.
I totally agree with this, at the end of the day we have to choose. 

OCTOBER IS HERE....

Time flies, so you have to decide what you want. And if what you want doesn't want you back, then you have to move. The pain will be what it will be but move. It's better than being stuck in a situationship (a situationship is basically a pseudo). If it's clear that you are not wanted or you are simply on the waitlist to see if a space "might" open up, just get up and move. You are awesome, what you have to offer one else has it.

Above all listen to your gut and for us women, our intuition's always on point most of the time. We can't force things to happen the way we want it to and that's okay. At the same time we can't wait forever holding hope, when we can explore other avenues. Happy new month, I wish everyone lots of love, peace and unending happiness. "Here's to October" make the best of it stand up and make changes. "Nothing happens until you move" Robin Sharma. You could try to control or manipulate the situation, it will still be the same way till something changes. 

30TH

Jojo I made it!! (Jojo is my sister) yes I finished the 100km walk/run challenge that I joined, it was really hard this last week because I haven't been feeling too good health wise all the same I pushed myself and completed it. I have lost a little weight in the process which is AWESOME.
       Completing this month's challenge really made me believe in myself, I must confess I had lost a little self confidence.  God bless the amazing women who came up with this challenge, Lord knows I needed this. I'm not going to stop walking/running just because the challenge is ending today. I have come to love it.
       

WEB OF LIES

For the past two days I have been thinking about why grownups lie. I said grown because I understand when a child lies, he or she is afraid of being punished, but when a grown ass human lie all the time, make up stories, it baffles me. I know people like this are called pathological liars and I think it's a mental disorder but common!!! when is it too much? I have been a victim, victim in the sense that I have had to question everything I ever heard this person say, I am extremely shocked.
    I'm not saying that I don't lie, I do but it's either I'm joking or the person isn't worth the truth. My father used to say that once you lie, you need to tell another lie to cover the first lie and you need another lie to cover the second one. It's an endless web.
 
      "O what a tangle web we weave when we first practice to deceive"
       Walter Scott

If I am straight with someone I expect the same thing, now trust is gone and the friendship is over for me.
I can't stand being lied to over and over and over and over. It's exhausting.
I just can't again.

AMOUR

I love love. I'm a lover of beautiful things especially words, I loooooove words. So when I saw this on instagram I just had to share it here.

This is so beautiful, greatness shouldn't be rushed.

SEPTEMBER

I Joined a group of amazing women to do a September fitness challenge, It's running/walking. The plan is to track how many kilometres you walk/run daily and report to the group weekly, with pictorial evidence. The goal is to get 100km covered before the last day of the month and it comes with a medal also.
       I decided to join this challenge for personal reasons not because of the medal upon completion. I had to get my mind in a right place, it had gotten so messed up last month because of the regret, rejection, anger, shame and guilt I felt. One would think that in my late twenties I would be smarter but life didn't come with an instruction manual, and mistakes will always be a major part of living and growth. Starting this challenge was hard, before now I disliked running/walking, but I knew this was something that I had to do, so I managed to walk for 5km on the first day, and it was refreshing not only did I feel good, I felt the burden lifting.

       After the first day it only got better, let's just say that I am super proud of myself for joining this challenge, it has been therapeutic and I am walking/running for distance I never thought I could. The high I get every time I get back is amazing, it's way better than the feeling of any alcoholic drink (I know this because I drank a whole lot last month to feel better). Running just does something extraordinary to my heart and in a good way, this is something I would love to get addicted too. Another exciting thing happened I found a taekwondo studio on my street, before I found out that running/walking felt this good, martial arts was one of the loves of my life, I used to fight TKD way back and I can't wait to join and start again. It's going to be a good month.
          Edwina fixer votre couronne, vous êtes génial. 

BURNT BRIDGES

 I got introduced to someone recently who needs my help to get stuff. In the midst of our ongoing communication I decided to look at her profile picture to put a face to the name, boom!! she turned out to be someone that I know.
          We go through life burning bridges, treating people badly, ignoring people, cutting people off because in our minds "they have nothing to offer", having zero tolerance for people instead of being patient and communicating properly.
I never thought in a million years that our paths would cross, this person is a public figure, someone who I used to admire a lot till I meet her, and she was extremely rude and mean to me. The memory of the things she said to me got stuck in my head and I lost all admiration for her that day. Fast-forward to 2015, I'm pretty sure that she has no idea who I am, to her I'm a stranger.
     
We need to use our God-given talents, wealth and position carefully especially when dealing with people we see as "strangers" we might never know who we will meet and need help from in this game called life. I am going to help her do everything, that she needs me to help her with, not because I can't say no but because I'm trying to be a better person, more forgiving, and also a better communicator. Some times people do things unintentionally not meaning to cause hurt and pain, and end up causing it. I have also learned that treating people kindly, with respect and diplomacy is way better than making them feel worthless and irrelevant.
                     "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." -Maya Angelou
      So when we make people feel worthless and irrelevant it gets stuck.
       So help me God.

FOREVER IN MY HEART

I had an amazing piece to write, I wanted the first thing I posted this month to be wow!! but... instead I'm going to post a song called Jealous by Labrinth. I lost my father six years ago this month, 5th to be precise I thought I would have gotten over it by now. I wish I had a few months with him to get myself ready, I wasn't ready to let him to go. So this song is for you Daddy, I am jealous that you are happy without me, all I do is cry behind this smile.

In loving memory of my father.

PAIX

Iyanla Vanzant is my SHERO. She's a phenomenal woman, I can't believe I just got to know about her.  So for the past six days, I've watched every YouTube video of her, downloading the ones I can and drawing from her well of ceaseless knowledge. I've learnt so much in just six days that I already feel a certain kind of connection with her, needless to say it's weird.
     The things I've learnt about peace, forgiveness, self love and most of all, interrupting the patterns, are awesomely priceless. However, the greatest thing I've learnt in the six wonderful days is the rare ability to be at peace no matter the situation that life throws at me. On this strange journey of life, it is of utmost importance that we live in and at peace that supersedes human understanding; at peace knowing that we are not in charge, peace at disappointments even after giving our all and best, peace knowing that not everyone will accept and love us for who we are or the way we desire, peace through the struggle and peace when we are stuck between a rock and hard place.
       It is only when we are at peace with our broken pieces, irrespective of how ugly they may be, that everything begins to fall in place. Neither pretence nor denial of an existing unpleasant situation possesses the ability to make us feel better, it is being at peace with the memories and scars from such situations that opens the door for a healing process....the healing process that makes us wary not to repeat same mistake in a million other ways.  

IT'S NOT JUST SEX.

So many persons are stuck in a world of basic sex.  Basic packages are selling faster than ever, And everyday that passes, The number of people joining the gym for better bodies increases. A lot of men want to look the profile, ripped out beast mode and women want to look fearless with vulnerable perfect curves.  Nothing wrong in all of this....but I really would love to meet a man, who isn't basic, physically predictable to be the sex machine or look at the woman that has strength in her thighs written all over her.
       People deserve to feel hands and know those hands would count bread crumbs accurately and experience a tongue, that would taste a million spices and would respond in a million ways. With a basic guy, everything is expected, and probably a 2 or 12 inch sausage in a woman for almost an hour or an unbreakable woman, establishing her waist, riding a man forever....but don't you ever crave sex that would make you orgasm before getting the dicking? I mean... that should be like gluttony.  I'm satisfied but I just have to finish my meal or a massage that would make you cum in her hands before you approach her gate. I know this would be abstract for a lot of women and annoying for a lot of men. Well, sex has become a handshake for a lot of people, to some a hug, a kiss and a wink. You hear people say "it just sex" it's not just sex....It's more, its bonding, its a spiritual connection it's not something to be played with if one isn't ready because it makes things messy, it makes people over react and over think. Bottom line don't play with a persons feeling just because it's the new cool. It's never ever just sex, even sex workers do it for a reason. Know what suits your soul because they will come a time where "It's just sex" isn't going to be enough. 

PEACE BE STILL

Some times all you need to say is "Peace be still" and it works. Last week I did something that I am not proud of but I had to do what I did for my own good and sanity's sake. It affected me more than I had imagined, The Ms.panic in me came out. The pain; physically and emotionally, guilt, regret, Even though I had promised myself that I will try not to regret anything but rather learn from it. Not in this case. I regret everything that lead me to to what I did. I can't change what happened I can only make peace with myself and move on.
                           Better days ahead. Peace be still.

RE-STRATEGIZING

I feel like I have been chasing the wrong people, the wrong relationships/friendships. So back to basics for me from now on. It's four months to the end of 2015, And I am NOT going to use it and follow what doesn't want me.

There you go baby girl, make the remaining four months count. 

GOOD DEEDS

          Today I decided to sow a seed for my children's future, Growing up has taught me so many lessons,  I  have been through the good, the bad and the ugly. The dreams I had, The perfect life I envisioned shattered along the way. So I have decided to do something different for the lives of my unborn children, I'm not saying that their lives would be perfect but at the same time I don't ever want them to lack financial aid especially when it comes to education. I see parents working so hard all the time just to save for their children's future. Since I'm still depending on my family at the moment I have decided to share the little I get by sending someone else to school, making someone's dream of an education come true. This isn't something I would normally write about here but it might help a reader of this post to decide to do a good deed today, Nothing feels good like doing a good deed and even when I don't always see the blessings or feel blessed. I know that I am blessed and greatness flows in my veins and nothing can change that.
     No good deed goes unnoticed. 

WAKE UP!

Yay!! It's about time I share another song that I really like :) In another life I would probably be a musician, It's more than just the beats for me the lyrical content is also important.
     Verse two of this song got to me.
   
         ENJOY.

Random

        I think I need to face what I could have been
        in order to understand and accept what I am.

                                              Cecilia Ahern

AMEN

I stumbled on another blog today, The post I read had to do with asking God for healing. After reading the comments I had to kneel down, Pray and asked God for forgiveness. People have serious issues terrible heartaches that would take a miracle to fix and I am here fussing about something that I gave permission to tear me apart. I know the disappointing heart crushing feeling isn't fantastic but I can't even begin to compare my situation to what I just read, If half of it is true I don't even wish that to my enemies.
            Heavenly Father, I ask for forgiveness, wisdom, healing, strength, happiness. Teach me to count my blessings help my heart to forgive, heal my soul. Put me back together again. I know that this isn't the end of the book, It might be the end of a chapter.You are forever faithful Lord. Amen.
      I always say ''pick a struggle" I think it's time I picked mine and by picking mine that means choosing me, being selfish. I will always choose myself cause the truth remains that, "When push comes to shove only a few people will really come through for you" That's if you aren't left to deal with it alone.
                 
                                                   So help me God.

MERCI MON AGENDA

Dear Diary,
                        I have so much that I would love to say to you, but let me start by saying that starting this blog wasn't a bad idea. You have been there for me when I can't express my emotions verbally, all I need to do is come here and write. And I would feel better automatically, You have helped me grow with my writing when I read my earlier posts to the newest ones I see growth and to me that is beauty. Because of you I have paid more attention to my punctuations lol (even though I still have a long way to go) starting this blog has been one of the best decisions I made in my entire life, it's like having an invisible friend.
          The few feedbacks I have gotten from people, Especially seasoned writers blows my mind that people I respect a lot as writers visit my blog.
Thank you HER DIARY TODAY for giving me an opportunity to find myself, express myself, love and accept my flaws even when it's extremely hard. I will try to post often (I say that all the time) and publish all the writing that I have stored in drafts, when the time is right.
                                   
                                           Love always
                                                          Edwina Akpabio. 

SHE BLOOMS

Today I am thankful for the gift of friends, Yesterday was something! from laughing hard and crying at the same time, Let's just say I didn't know how to express any emotion happy or sad without crying. At the end of the day I felt so much better. My friends may not always say the right things, but they know the right things to do to cheer me up. 

     There is nothing ordinary about me, I learnt long time ago that my story is significant, the way I feel things is different from other people. Good or bad I have learnt to be thankful and grateful for the lessons. 

       Thank you life, Let's try this all over again, I'm not in the business of giving up because of a bad experience. who knows this time might be better and if it's not, we will keep trying. :* 

                              

                                  Laters:) 

CLOSURE.....

I woke up early and went for a run, something I don't like doing. I ran for an hour, I still don't know how I was able to run for that long. I had given myself the whole of yesterday to be broken and get over it today,  Apparently that's not how it works cause when I came back from running tears rolled out of my eyes on their own, I tried to hold them back in but to no avail. I literally felt all my bones weakening that's when I knew that I can't just "ADULT" this one out. I have to go through this pain, I can't run away from it. I hope writing about it helps because MBA is a serious business I can't study if my head/heart is not in the right place I just can't.  My life is so disorganized in just two days, I look like a shadow of myself, I need closure.

DEAR HEART, WHY HIM?

Just when you think you have it under control, Someone comes along and messes with your heart all over again. The pain makes you relive all the other bitter memories, Makes you think you're worthless.  Makes you question everything. It just ruins every good thing you had going on in your life.
     Friends try to cheer you up, Saying things they feel you need to hear, but you are still, Cold palms and feet from lack of blood circulation, You are literally frozen, Vision blurring, And in that moment I heard my heart break, It was a small sound like  the snapping of a flower stem. Every part of my body is broken too. I feel my lungs closing, I want to lock myself in and break down, not because someone random dude decided to play with my heartstrings but because I broke down my walls, Something I never should have done.
       I took a chance and he took a swing, I took it hard. The sad thing is that I still miss him with all the broken pieces.
 I know my heart will never be the same again, but I'm telling myself that I will fine okay. 

LOVE.RELATIONSHIP.SURVIVAL.STRENGTH.CHOICES.LIFE

I saw this powerful picture on Instagram today and decided to share it here on the blog.

I cried after seeing this picture and reading what I am about to share here.
    What do you see? She has the key to help save him but can only save him by relying on his strength to pull her out so that they both be set free! They both need each other to survive but in order too, they both have to stretch out and reach for each other through the pain and bondage to come out alive. Untimely their strength can only come from one true power and source of rescue at the centre of it all and that is God.
          I have been broken one too many times that I had to build a wall so high with no windows, and every time I hear other people's stories I add an extra brick to my wall, now it's so high that I can barely see the colours of the leafs on the trees outside. I want to bring down these walls so bad but as soon as I'm about too someone leaves and I become broken all over again. The feeling sucks! It will only take God and someone who is really patient to help these walls crumble.
   I want these fears to go away, I want to feel wanted, I don't want to ask my self "what their ulterior motives" every time.  This picture speaks to me in so many languages that I clearly understand.  
       Help me Jesus, cause these walls really have to go down in order for me to be free.

INSECURITIES

Everyone has insecurities. Even the most beautiful women in the world have areas of their lives that they aren't a 100% comfortable about and confident in.
People deal with insecurity differently; there are people who make fun of themselves, some who wrap themselves in positivity and pretend, others who constantly seek the approval and validation of people and most of all those who cover it up so well that it becomes hard to spot.
         I cover mine up, I would do almost anything to have smaller arms. Lord! They are so huge *sad face*. I'm on the big side so it's somewhat of an expectation, however, my insecurity won't let me expose them. I couldn't wear a tank top/sleeveless no matter how good anyone says I look in them...No way! I would have to throw over a scarf and cover them.
Now that's how I protect myself from myself. Instead of looking over my shoulder every second to see who's watching, I cover up and move on till I work on it. I've also noticed that people with the worst kind of insecurity are often the first to point out a flaw(s) in others, they call people ugly without provocation and belittle the successes of others. In reality, these set of people are often marred with a strong case of inferiority complex to the point where, they use their money to win friends over because they are scared that no one would really like or accept them for who they are...this same set of people are good at talking about the past mistakes of others even when the person with the mistake have since moved on to being successful.
     I think we should learn to protect ourselves from such areas that possess the potential of ruining our self confidence and relationship with others. Let's face it, once your insecurity makes you bash other people in order to feel good about yourself, or being constantly bitter with a senseless lack of appreciation for anything, you will definitely lose the people around you with time.
            Work on making the insecurities go away because at the end of the day, nothing rocks more than SELF CONFIDENCE. Fact is, insecurities only make you needy, and not everyone desires to be around a needy person all the time...it's super exhausting, you constantly have to tell him/ her that they are okay.
Bottom line, take the time to work on your insecurities be they in your physical appearances, relationships, intellect, marriage, businesses, etc. Don't just fall in love with your strength and ignore your weaknesses..... WORK ON IT!!

THE PRESENT

I was talking to my friend today, after 30 mins into our conversation she asked "Ifiok what if we had a chance to go back in time and change our mistakes, would you take it?" I thought about it for all of 20 seconds *LOL* and answered "No". She said "Be serious now" I said "I'm serious" and we continued talking about other things.
     The truth is, I have made stupid mistakes, I have regrets, they are things I wished I could change, they are people I wished I never talked to, paths I wish I never took, people I wished I never let go.....They are so many things I would have loved to change but I won't trade all that for the things I have learnt because of all my mistakes. I'm thankful for the scars that I got along the way, they made me a better person.
     So, I will live in the present, put on my seat belt and enjoy the journey of life the best way I can, See silver lining in the darkest clouds, Forgive and keep people who want to see me fail at bay, Appreciate the little I have and the good people around me. Give back, work hard on becoming a good / great woman in future. Make more mistakes and above all put God first. :)

YOU ARE UNIQUE (NEVER FORGET)

I think people take a lot that they shouldn't, Because they are scared of  being lonely. Why be in a toxic relationship/ friendship because you don't want to be alone or because everyone around you is coupling up. It doesn't make sense, I understand that as humans we need affection but at the same time it's not healthy to keep reducing your standards because someone cannot stand your uniqueness I'm all for adjusting in a relationship/ friendship but not loosing your identity in the process.
   The peace that comes with telling yourself that you are not scared of loneliness is AMAZINGGGGGG :) the minute you say those words everything magically falls in place and you get the happiness you deserve.
Celebrate your uniqueness someone out there will love you for it.  

PEOPLE PLEASER

The sweet freedom that comes when you finally learn to say no is amazing, not to talk of the shock. I know this because for years I was living to please people, I didn't want to hurt anyone or be disrespectful before I knew it I was losing myself.  I would go any length to make my friends happy, lend my ear, be that shoulder do the little I could be make sure that whoever was okay, till exhaustion set in I was literally tired of listening to every tom dick and harry...I felt drained especially when the person had nothing to worry about and was just being stupid or making a fuss over nothing. I started thinking of the number of people dying daily on account of boko haram in my country and here you are telling me how your life sucks. The worst part was when I tried telling my issues and they too would be brushed off as nothing. I was like "wait! who died and made you royalty?" I think that was the trigger for me.
I couldn't do it again, I matter too
      Friendship is an exchange, one person can't be at the receiving  end all the time, and think that no one else matters.
   There are people that I would still go to the end of the world for, but these are people who would do the same for me too.  I think this has only made me a better person and has increased my life span, cause now I belong to me I'm no longer losing myself in the service of others. 

KEEP'N IT REAL

 Today I had an epiphany, at some point it's no longer what the heart wants but what is good for the heart. There are some choices you need to make even if it hurts simply because you can't keep wishing and hoping on a dream that might never happen.
        Life is really short and filled with regrets and time really runs, it's already April 2015 very soon it will be September and voila!! the year will come to an end and you will still be at the same place, situationship, circumstance etc.
      I'm not saying that being hopeful is bad, all we have in life is hope but at some point we have to get up, turn what is available to us to hope. And learn to be happy with our choices as long as it's good for our heart.


                         HAPPY NEW MONTH***

THE ONE

What's with these words that is so important to the other people in our lives? (family, friends, acquaintances) Why does everyone want to know if you have finally met "THE ONE"
   I used a picture on bbm (blackberry messanger) of a male friend and I as my display picture. Within a minute I got more than 5 messages asking me if he was "THE ONE". It didn't end there, I got an email from Astrology.com asking me if I was ready to meet "THE ONE" (I know the email is b.s). Hours after as I was watching a movie I kept hearing "THE ONE" over and over and it got me thinking that maybe I am being haunted by these words today. *just kidding*
What I really thought about was......What's "THE ONE" or who is "THE ONE"? Do I need to have "THE ONE" to be complete?

       WHAT'S REALLY IMPORTANT ABOUT HAVING THE ONE IN OUR LIFE? 

Do we need to be with the one to feel complete? Why are we always looking for the one?. That one thing, be it a man, woman, job, family, friend, opportunity......
 
     When will waiting for the one be done? Will we ever find "THE ONE" thing that will satisfy us. Or will we keep searching for "THE ONE". I think there will always be another "THE ONE" after we find "THE ONE" that we thought was "THE ONE" 

CONQUEROR

I'm sure that by now everyone has seen Empire, The Tv show not the movie. (I don't know if there a movie called Empire) Oh well moving on. Music always wins with me so, Empire is becoming one of my favourite tv show.
           The songs there are amazing :)
The song that I'm about to share today is the one that I love the most.
It's Estelle- Conqueror.
Truth is, I never heard this song till I saw Empire and now I can't get enough of it. I love the beats, lyrics, video...... I love everything about it..

This is the original version, In Empire she sang with one of the characters on the show and the duet was also AMAZZZZZZZIIINNNG. 

COMMENT.

This has been on my mind for weeks now.

          WHAT IF HE IS GOD-FEARING AND ZERO SEX APPEAL? 

I used he because I don't think a man will go for a woman that he doesn't find attractive. Women on the other hand, when we come to a certain age we face the pressure, all we are being told is, he just has to be God- fearing he will treat you right. What of sex appeal?
Shouldn't that matter also?
 If there is a day that I really want people to read this blog, it's today cause I would really want to hear what other people think about this.  Don't get me wrong, God is everything but shouldn't there be a balance?

pòrtes sé ferment (Doors are closing)

The quest of living a simple life has made me a woman with few or no secrets. Last night a friend of mine that I haven't seen in years came to visit, we went out partying with my cousin, her friend and another friend of mine. Let's call the friend who visited A, my cousin B, my other friend who stays here C to avoid confusion lol.
        Back to the gist. I left the house with no money in my wallet, I intended to use my card to pay but I couldn't. The other option was to go out into town and withdraw using an ATM and frankly I didn't want to go anywhere, from there I just wanted to go back home and sleep. So I asked C if he could help me he said sure, I gave him my ATM card told him the amount and he just walked away, I had to call him back and asked "how far you no wait make I tell you password?" he replied "hia! I know your password na, it's ****" and walked away.
I paid no mind to it till I got back home. People who are close to me know way too much about me, not just my passwords and it's all my fault I kept the door open, EVERYONE needs to have a few secrets...Haba!!
My life has been so out there to a point that people think they can predict me.
It's time to push everyone out ( hahaha) yes! PUSH being the key word. 

STORY OF MY LIFE 101

I just learnt that I suffer from the fallacy of hasty generalization.  The first thing that came to mind when I heard this was wow!!  then I smile. Of course the smile wasn't real. I'm shocked that despite the fact that this is 2015 people still have time to look at other people's lives and say trash about them.  As if life isn't hard enough!
   And this always seems to comes from the people you need something from. They'll look for everything and anything to say to enable them control your life, even if it's just for a while. I didn't know that a group of people (mostly people that could help you) are not flawed,cause if they were they won't dig into other people's past to try and hurt them.  Well! I don't think I have enough energy to impress anyone one again. I will just sit and let them tell me my life history since they are the ones living it, not me.

SONG OF THE MONTH

I used to share songs that I love here on the blog, and since music is an important part of my life I think it's only fair to share what's in my playlist with everyone once in a while.

 Well enough english, lol......This is the one of my favorite song it's called "Grateful" by Rita Ora written by Diane Warren it's one of the soundtracks for the movie beyond the light. The song is one of the songs nominated for best original song this year. Ok! enough information.
        GRATEFUL

LOST

I have been struggling lately between choosing me, my friends or my family. I think that i'm going through a phase of being misunderstood a lot.  My friends say that there is a white girl in me and I don't think that is cool, but I just smile and let it pass.
     Everyone has demons and I am at that place where mine is trying to catch up with me and i'm kinda tired talking to them about it because I don't want anyone thinking I'm being needy or seeking too much attention.
I know this for sure that I would really love to change my phone numbers, go off social media, focus on myself and work on my short comings with no cares in the world. I know that this is selfish but when do I get to be selfish for me? I am exhausted and drowning I'm tired of listening I want to be heard even when I'm not talking. I really need my friends like NOW but at the same time I am not going to say a word.  I am sensitive when it comes to them, I can sense when they are not happy and try to reach out.  Even when it comes to close family members I'm the one who listens to everyone.......Right now I really want to be heard.
   Anyway that aside, the Lord is my strength and I am really going to go off for a while for me before I lose it all, I need to go and find me first.

TALENT

Rihanna is a god, I'm a music lover so I have a lot of favorite musicians, but today Rihanna is King...
I listened to one of her old songs "Cold Case Love" and I heard it in a way I haven't before, something about it got to me. ( weird, I know)
     After listening my thoughts wandered to a lot of other talented people that I know and it made me ask myself, Whats my talent? Even as I'm typing this I still don't know what my talent is.
I don't want to say writing even though a lot of stories pop into my head on a daily, I hate writing and I still can't get the hang of ''dem punctuations'' lol, So writing is out of it.
               So what is???
Isn't that something everyone has? well everyone except me lol, so I will dedicate the rest of the weekend figuring out what my talent is hahaha.
 
Laters :*

NIGHTMARE

I woke up at about past 1AM to pee, I just felt this cloud of sadness looming over me.  I was like common!! it past 1AM for God's sake who feels this way in the middle of the night.....Jeez!! well I prayed, and rejected the feeling and went back to sleep.

WISHES

Lately, with me feeling all kinds of sadness and let down. I don't think I will be back here in a very very very long time, if I had my way I would change my numbers, cut off communication with everyone, start a new life entirely (the things we see in movies / read about) this blog will be the only link to my new life.

WORDS

I think I'm still feeling numb, I started this year feeling numb pretending that I was okay, crying alone inside the room.  Last year ended with a loved one say hurtful words to me unintentionally, while I kept a straight face acting like the words meant nothing. So far it has been 96 hours since 2015

THE REAL

So far 2015 has been uneventful, for the first time in two years I spent christmas and new year's eve back home, yay!! or so I thought it would be. Well it wasn't. This turned out to be the worst christmas and new year's eve ever.
                     What happened to christmas??

2015

                                Happy New Year everyone.

                           YAY!!! I made it. whew!!!
 2014 was something,  I laughed, I cried, I prayed, I failed, I succeeded, I learnt...... there was a lot of I's last year but most importantly I'm thankful even though last year didn't  turn out exactly as I expected, I made it out.  YASSSSSS!!!
This year I hope to be better, changed, draw positive energy, get rid of all negativity, believe in myself more, be a little selfish (yes it sounds bad but i need to)
 Am still tired from last night's church service and the turn up after, I can feel my brain shutting down lol.  So I will put up a more detailed post tomorrow. :) Yes this year is herdairytoday's year i will be posting everyday.
   
       I wish everyone who reads this all the best 2015 has to offer, May God bless us all. Amen.